Joke Thread

New to Bangsaphan or already resident? Doesn't matter, this is the place for introductions!
User avatar
Big Boy
Moderator
Posts: 1626
Joined: 13 Sep 2008 01:26
Location: UK

Re: Joke Thread

Post by Big Boy » 09 Dec 2014 14:44

I bought one of those rubber dolls the other day.

I blew it up - it looked hideous.

It had a 12inch willie, no breasts and sunken eyes.

I took it back to the shop and told the guy I wasn't happy!

He said you silly sod, you've got it inside out.
Green Army

User avatar
Big Boy
Moderator
Posts: 1626
Joined: 13 Sep 2008 01:26
Location: UK

Re: Joke Thread

Post by Big Boy » 09 Dec 2014 14:49

A little story to start your Christmas season in the right spirit.

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce
toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the pre-Christmas pressure. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a glass of cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the rum. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Not a lot of people know this.
Green Army

User avatar
Big Boy
Moderator
Posts: 1626
Joined: 13 Sep 2008 01:26
Location: UK

Re: Joke Thread

Post by Big Boy » 09 Dec 2014 14:54

I decided to go to a Mosque for the first time and see just what the Muslim religion was all about.

I sat down and the “Iman” came up to me, laid his hands on my hands and said “By the will of Allah the All Mighty and the Prophet Mohamed you will walk today!”

Somewhat confused, I told him that I was not paralyzed.

He laid his hands on me again and repeated the same thing. “By the will of Allah the All Mighty and the Prophet Mohamed you will walk today!”

I again told him that there was nothing wrong with me.

After they finished their prayers I stepped outside the mosque … and lo and behold my car had been stolen!
Green Army

User avatar
Big Boy
Moderator
Posts: 1626
Joined: 13 Sep 2008 01:26
Location: UK

Re: Joke Thread

Post by Big Boy » 09 Dec 2014 15:11

SHE WALKED UP AND TIED HER OLD MULE TO THE HITCHING POST. AS SHE STOOD THERE, BRUSHING SOME OF THE DUST FROM HER FACE AND CLOTHES, A YOUNG GUNSLINGER STEPPED OUT OF THE SALOON WITH A GUN IN ONE HAND AND A BOTTLE OF WHISKEY IN THE OTHER.

THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER LOOKED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND LAUGHED, "HEY OLD WOMAN, HAVE YOU EVER DANCED?"

THE OLD WOMAN LOOKED UP AT THE GUNSLINGER AND SAID, "NO, I NEVER DID DANCE... NEVER REALLY WANTED TO."

A CROWD HAD GATHERED AS THE GUNSLINGER GRINNED AND SAID, "WELL, YOU OLD BAG, YOU'RE GONNA DANCE NOW," AND STARTED SHOOTING AT THE OLD WOMAN'S FEET.

THE OLD WOMAN PROSPECTOR -- NOT WANTING TO GET HER TOE BLOWN OFF -- STARTED HOPPING AROUND. EVERYBODY WAS LAUGHING.

WHEN HIS LAST BULLET HAD BEEN FIRED, THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER, STILL LAUGHING, HOLSTERED HIS GUN AND TURNED AROUND TO GO BACK INTO THE SALOON.

THE OLD WOMAN TURNED TO HER PACK MULE, PULLED OUT A DOUBLE-BARRELED SHOTGUN, AND COCKED BOTH HAMMERS. THE LOUD CLICKS CARRIED CLEARLY THROUGH THE DESERT AIR.

THE CROWD STOPPED LAUGHING IMMEDIATELY.

THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER HEARD THE SOUNDS, TOO, AND HE TURNED AROUND VERY SLOWLY. THE SILENCE WAS ALMOST DEAFENING. THE CROWD WATCHED AS THE YOUNG GUNMAN STARED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND THE LARGE GAPING HOLES OF THOSE TWIN BARRELS.

THE BARRELS OF THE SHOTGUN NEVER WAVERED IN THE OLD WOMAN'S HANDS, AS SHE QUIETLY SAID, "SON, HAVE YOU EVER KISSED A MULE'S ASS?"

THE GUNSLINGER SWALLOWED HARD AND SAID, "NO M'AM... BUT... I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO."

THERE ARE A FEW LESSONS HERE FOR ALL OF US:

1 - Never be arrogant.
2 - Don't waste ammunition.
3 - Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
4 - Always, always make sure you know who has the power.
5 - Don't mess with old women; they didn't get old by being stupid...And that's a fact!
Green Army

User avatar
Big Boy
Moderator
Posts: 1626
Joined: 13 Sep 2008 01:26
Location: UK

Re: Joke Thread

Post by Big Boy » 09 Dec 2014 15:12

Following a cricket test match, an Australian began berating an Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment on a train:

"You English are such a stuffy lot maite. You set yourselves apath!. Ye think that stiff upper lip stuff puts yea above the rest of us..all that Little Englander stuff is just bloody nonsense…..Look at me... yes ME!…... I have Italian blood, Greek blood, a little Irish blood, and some Aboriginal blood. What do you say to that?"

The Englishman arches an eyebrow and says: "Awfully sporting of your mother, old chap!"
Green Army

User avatar
Big Boy
Moderator
Posts: 1626
Joined: 13 Sep 2008 01:26
Location: UK

Re: Joke Thread

Post by Big Boy » 13 Dec 2014 12:39

I found myself in a pub in County Cork.

A group of American tourists came in. One of the Americans said, in a loud voice, "I hear you Irish think your great drinkers. I bet 5,000 euros that no-one here can drink 30 pints of Guinness in 30 minutes".

The bar was silent, the American noticed one Irishman leaving, no-one took up the bet.

40 minutes later the Irishman who left returned and said "Hey Yank, is your wee bet still on?"

"Sure" said the American, "30 pints in 30 minutes for a bet of 5,000 euros."

"Grand, " replied the Irishman, "so pour the pints and start the clock."

It was very close but the last drop was consumed with 2 seconds to spare.

"OK Yank, pay up." said the Irishman..

"I'm happy to pay, here's your money" said the American. "But tell me, when I first offered the wager I saw you leave. Where did you go?'

The Irishman replied, "Well sir, 5,000 euros is a lot of money to a man like me, so I went to the pub across the road to see if I could do it."
Green Army

User avatar
Big Boy
Moderator
Posts: 1626
Joined: 13 Sep 2008 01:26
Location: UK

Re: Joke Thread

Post by Big Boy » 13 Dec 2014 12:43

An elderly couple were having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, "Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"

Martha replied, "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason.

Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, "I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons?' "

Martha said, "The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage. Do you remember that evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?"

Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?"

Martha asked, "Do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge."

"I recall that," said Henry. "And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time."

"All right," Martha said. "So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 53 more votes?"
Green Army

User avatar
Big Boy
Moderator
Posts: 1626
Joined: 13 Sep 2008 01:26
Location: UK

Re: Joke Thread

Post by Big Boy » 18 Dec 2014 09:45

Last month, a world-wide telephone survey was conducted by the UN.

The only question asked was:

"Would you please give your honest opinion about possible solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a complete failure because:
- In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
- In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
- In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
- In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
- In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
- In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
- In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
- And in Australia , New Zealand, Canada and Britain everyone hung up as soon as they heard the East Indian accent.
Green Army

User avatar
Big Boy
Moderator
Posts: 1626
Joined: 13 Sep 2008 01:26
Location: UK

Re: Joke Thread

Post by Big Boy » 18 Dec 2014 09:48

An Irish Priest is transferred to Texas.

It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish as he rose from his bed one morning. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.

He promptly called the local police station. The conversation went like this:

"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"

"And the best of the day to yourself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann's Catholic Church. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter."

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit and recognizing the accent, thought he would have a little fun with the good father, replied, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites."

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment. Then, Father O'Malley replied, "Aye, 'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call."
Green Army

User avatar
Big Boy
Moderator
Posts: 1626
Joined: 13 Sep 2008 01:26
Location: UK

Re: Joke Thread

Post by Big Boy » 18 Dec 2014 09:50

Having blown himself up, an 18-year-old suicide bomber appeared before Allah.

He said, "Oh, Allah, I did your bidding, but I have a request. Since I'm only 18 and spent all my time in terrorist training school, I have never
been with a woman.

So, instead of 72 virgins, who also won't know what to do, can I have 72 whores?"

Allah regarded him for a moment and then replied, "Actually, the 72 virgins are here in heaven because arseholes like you murdered them before they could experience the pleasure of sex. So you're here to service them.

Since they're virgins, they're quite sexually ravenous, and frankly, you'll be on constant duty."

The bomber responded, "Well, I guess I can live with that.. How hard can it
be to keep 72 women satisfied for all eternity?"

And Allah replied,

"Who said they were women?"
Green Army

User avatar
Big Boy
Moderator
Posts: 1626
Joined: 13 Sep 2008 01:26
Location: UK

Re: Joke Thread

Post by Big Boy » 18 Dec 2014 09:57

• Definition of an Irish husband: He hasn't kissed his wife for twenty years, but he will kill any man who does.

• Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink. Quinn thinks he's very lucky because his own wife makes him walk.

• The late Bishop Sheen stated that the reason the Irish fight so often among themselves is that they're always assured of having a worthy opponent.

• An American lawyer asked, "Paddy, why is it that whenever you ask an Irishman a question, he answers with another question?"
"Who told you that?" asked Paddy.

• Question - Why are Irish jokes so simple?
Answer - So the English can understand them.

• Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came out and announced, "Not guilty."
"That's grand!" shouted Reilly. "Does that mean I can keep the money?"

• Irish lass customer: "Could I be trying on that dress in the window?"
Shopkeeper: "I'd prefer that you use the dressing room."

• Mrs. Feeney shouted from the kitchen, "Is that you I hear spittin' in the vase on the mantle piece?"
"No," said himself, "but I'm gettin' closer all the time."

• Q. What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control a wife?
A. A bachelor.

• Finnegin: My wife has a terrible habit of staying up 'til two o'clock in the morning. I can't break her of it.
Keenan: What on earth is she doin' at that time?
Finnegin: Waitin' for me to come home .

• Slaney phoned the maternity ward at the hospital. "Quick!" he said. "Send an ambulance, my wife is goin' to have a baby!"
"Tell me, is this her first baby?" the intern asked.
"No, this is her husband, Kevin, speakin'."

• "O'Ryan," asked the druggist, "did that mudpack I gave you improve your wife's appearance?"
"It did surely," replied O'Ryan, "but it keeps fallin' off!"

• Did you hear about the Irish newlyweds who sat up all night on their honeymoon waiting for their sexual relations to arrive?

• My mother wanted me to be a priest. Can you imagine giving up your sex life and then once a week people come in to tell you the details and highlights of theirs?
Green Army

User avatar
Big Boy
Moderator
Posts: 1626
Joined: 13 Sep 2008 01:26
Location: UK

Re: Joke Thread

Post by Big Boy » 18 Dec 2014 17:48

Two Coffees in Heaven!

Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, Barack Obama meets a man with a beard.

'Are you Mohammed?' he asks.

'No my son, I am St. Peter; Mohammed is higher up.'

Peter then points to a ladder that rises into the clouds.


Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than St. Peter, Obama climbs the ladder in great strides, climbs up through the clouds and comes into a room where he meets another bearded man.

He asks again, 'Are you Mohammed?'

'Why no,' he answers, 'I am Moses; Mohammed is higher still.'


Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy he climbs the ladder yet again.

He discovers a larger room where he meets an angelic looking man with a beard. Full of hope, he asks again, 'Are you Mohammed?'

'No, I am Jesus, the Christ; you will find Mohammed higher up.'


Mohammed higher than Jesus! Man, oh man! Obama can hardly contain his
delight and climbs and climbs ever higher.

Once again, he reaches an even larger room where he meets this truly magnificent looking man with a silver white beard and once again repeats his question:

'Are you Mohammed?' he gasps as he is by now, totally out of breath from all his climbing.

'No, my son, I am Almighty God, the Alpha and the Omega, but you look exhausted. Would you like a cup of coffee?'

Obama says, 'Yes please!'

As God looks behind him, he claps his hands and yells out: "Yo, Mohammed, two coffees!"

Keep your trust in God; your president is an idiot.
Green Army

User avatar
Big Boy
Moderator
Posts: 1626
Joined: 13 Sep 2008 01:26
Location: UK

Re: Joke Thread

Post by Big Boy » 18 Dec 2014 17:56

A flat-chested young lady read an article in a magazine that stated Dr. Bumbutu in Haiti could enlarge your breasts without surgery. So she decided to go to see Dr. Bumbutu in Haiti to see if he could help her.

Dr. Bumbutu advised her, 'Every day after your shower, rub your chest and chant, 'Scooby doobie doobies, all I want is bigger boobies!'

She did this faithfully for several months, and to her utter amazement she grew a terrific D-cup rack!

One morning she was running late, got on the bus, and in a panic realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't recite the little rhyme, she stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus, closed her eyes and said, 'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies.'

A guy sitting nearby looked at her and asked ' Are you a patient of Dr. Bumbutu?

' Yes I am.. How did you know?'

He winked and whispered, ' Hickory dickory dock'...
Green Army

User avatar
Big Boy
Moderator
Posts: 1626
Joined: 13 Sep 2008 01:26
Location: UK

Re: Joke Thread

Post by Big Boy » 20 Dec 2014 09:12

A true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson University. It was in the local newspaper and even Jay Leno mentioned it.
It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests.

After the wedding, at the reception, the groom got up on stage with a microphone to talk to the crowd. He said he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank the bride and his family and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception.

As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift just from him. So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair, including the wedding party was an envelope. He said this was his gift to everyone, and asked them to open their envelope.

Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 glossy of his bride having sex with the best man.

The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier and had hired a private detective to tail them.

After just standing there, just watching the guests' reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said, 'Farewell to you!'

Then he turned to his bride and said, 'Farewell to you!'

Then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, 'I'm outta here.'

He had the marriage annulled first thing the following morning. While most people would have canceled the wedding immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with the charade, as if nothing were wrong.

His revenge--making the bride's parents pay over 25,651.3€ for a 300-guest wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of 300 friends and family members.

Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members and friends: 25,651.3€.
Wedding photographs commemorating the Occasion: 2,404.81€
Deluxe two-week honeymoon accommodations in Maui : 6,813.63€.
The look on everyone's face when they see the 8x10 glossy of the bride humping the best man : Priceless.
Green Army

User avatar
Big Boy
Moderator
Posts: 1626
Joined: 13 Sep 2008 01:26
Location: UK

Re: Joke Thread

Post by Big Boy » 31 Dec 2014 09:01

Two lawyers had been stranded on a desert island for several months. The only thing on the island was a tall coconut tree that provided them their only food.

Each day one of the lawyers would climb to the top to see if he could spot a rescue boat coming...

One day the lawyer yelled down from the tree, "WOW, I just can't believe my eyes. There is a woman out there floating in our direction."

The lawyer on the ground was sceptical and said, "You're hallucinating, you've finally lost your mind."

But within a few minutes, up on the beach floated a stunningly beautiful woman, face up, totally naked, unconscious, without even so much as a ring or earrings on her person.

The two lawyers went down to the water, dragged her up on the beach and discovered, yes, she was alive, warm and breathing. One said to the other, "You know, we've been on this God forsaken island for months now without a woman. It's been such a long, long time... So… Do you think we should... well... you know... screw her?"

"Out of WHAT?" asked the other lawyer.
Green Army

Post Reply