Joke Thread

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yoursTruly
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by yoursTruly » 30 Oct 2014 18:44

I know, a repeat but I couldn't resist (more on the topic of wives past their prime....

Then there was the middle-aged businessman who took his spouse to Paris.
After traipsing with her from one mansion du couture to another, be begged
for a day off to rest and got it. With the wife gone shopping again, he
went to the Ritz Bar and picked up a luscious parisienne. They got on
well until the question of money came up. She wanted a hundred American
dollars; he offered fifty. They couldn't get together on the price; so
they didn't get together. That evening he escorted his wife to one of the
nicer restaurants on the Rue de Rivoli, and there he spotted his gorgeous
babe of the afternoon seated at a table near the door.
"See, monsieur?" she said as they passed her. "Look what you got
for your lousy fifty bucks."
"Don't take life too serious. It ain't no ways permanent."
-- Pogo, by Walt Kelly

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yoursTruly
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by yoursTruly » 31 Oct 2014 17:02

William Burroughs and his hand carved (or should I say hand slashed) Halloween pumpkin.

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"Don't take life too serious. It ain't no ways permanent."
-- Pogo, by Walt Kelly

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yoursTruly
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by yoursTruly » 31 Oct 2014 20:10

The is joke has passed the British Joke Approval Board and is considered Safe for Families....

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"Don't take life too serious. It ain't no ways permanent."
-- Pogo, by Walt Kelly

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yoursTruly
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by yoursTruly » 31 Oct 2014 20:21

Not too titilating when the ... well you know what I mean.

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"Don't take life too serious. It ain't no ways permanent."
-- Pogo, by Walt Kelly

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yoursTruly
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by yoursTruly » 31 Oct 2014 20:46

America's Joke...

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"Don't take life too serious. It ain't no ways permanent."
-- Pogo, by Walt Kelly

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yoursTruly
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by yoursTruly » 31 Oct 2014 20:49

Tomorrow never comes! It's all the same fuckin' day, man!
-- Janis Joplin
"Don't take life too serious. It ain't no ways permanent."
-- Pogo, by Walt Kelly

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yoursTruly
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by yoursTruly » 31 Oct 2014 20:53

Calvin and Hobbes turn Commie.

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"Don't take life too serious. It ain't no ways permanent."
-- Pogo, by Walt Kelly

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yoursTruly
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by yoursTruly » 01 Nov 2014 08:02

"I'll tell you what I know, then," he decided. "The pin I'm wearing
means I'm a member of the IA. That's Inamorati Anonymous. An inamorato is
somebody in love. That's the worst addiction of all."
"Somebody is about to fall in love," Oedipa said, "you go sit with
them, or something?"
"Right. The whole idea is to get where you don't need it. I was
lucky. I kicked it young. But there are sixty-year-old men, believe it or
not, and women even older, who might wake up in the night screaming."
"You hold meetings, then, like the AA?"
"No, of course not. You get a phone number, an answering service
you can call. Nobody knows anybody else's name; just the number in case
it gets so bad you can't handle it alone. We're isolates, Arnold. Meetings
would destroy the whole point of it."
-- Thomas Pynchon, "The Crying of Lot 49"
"Don't take life too serious. It ain't no ways permanent."
-- Pogo, by Walt Kelly

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yoursTruly
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by yoursTruly » 01 Nov 2014 08:04

...Saure really turns out to be an adept at the difficult art of papryomancy,
the ability to prophesy through contemplating the way people roll reefers -
the shape, the licking pattern, the wrinkles and folds or absence thereof
in the paper. "You will soon be in love," sez Saure, "see, this line here."
"It's long, isn't it? Does that mean --" "Length is usually intensity.
Not time."
-- Thomas Pynchon, _Gravity's Rainbow_
"Don't take life too serious. It ain't no ways permanent."
-- Pogo, by Walt Kelly

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yoursTruly
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by yoursTruly » 01 Nov 2014 08:08

I like my women how I like my coffee....
....ground up and in the freezer.
I like my women how I like my scotch....
....twelve years old and mixed up with coke. -- Nick Danger

(Sorry, Nick isn't much of a family man...at least not a *traditional* family man)
"Don't take life too serious. It ain't no ways permanent."
-- Pogo, by Walt Kelly

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yoursTruly
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by yoursTruly » 01 Nov 2014 14:30

"My town was so small we it didn't have a village idiot, so we all had to take turns". -- Fred Allen

So remember folks, wait your turn. It will come. And once you've got it, don't hog it and take idiot time away from others who might deserve it more than you.
"Don't take life too serious. It ain't no ways permanent."
-- Pogo, by Walt Kelly

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yoursTruly
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by yoursTruly » 01 Nov 2014 14:54

He was the world's only armless sculptor. He put the chisel in his mouth
and his wife hit him on the back of the head with a mallet.
-- Fred Allen
"Don't take life too serious. It ain't no ways permanent."
-- Pogo, by Walt Kelly

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Big Boy
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by Big Boy » 01 Nov 2014 22:58

A man and a woman are seated next to each other on a flight. They start eying each other, and both realize they want to do the same thing. He slips a condom out of his pocket, and she looks delighted.

"Rear toilet?", he suggests.

"In five minutes", she says and goes off down the aisle.

He waits five minutes, then goes and slips into the toilet with her.

"Right, get that condom on", she says. Soon, they are both sighing with pleasure.

But a sharp eyed stewardess has noticed them, and realized what they are up to. She decides to humiliate them by making an announcement over the PA system.

"To the lady and gentleman in the rear toilet, we know what you are doing, and it is expressly forbidden by airline regulations. Now, please put out those cigarettes and take the condom off the smoke detector."
Green Army

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yoursTruly
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by yoursTruly » 02 Nov 2014 20:24

A 12 year old boy gets hit by a car at a busy intersection.
A woman witnesses the entire event and runs over to the
little boy, who’s lying on the ground in a pool of blood.
She gently cradles the boy’s head in her arms and
whispers, “Do you need a priest?”
The boy moans, “How you can think of sex at a time like
this?
"Don't take life too serious. It ain't no ways permanent."
-- Pogo, by Walt Kelly

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yoursTruly
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by yoursTruly » 02 Nov 2014 20:29

Neither the BSG nor the poster approve of this tasteless, sadistic joke. The Devil made me do it, and that's the God's honest truth!

A woman goes to the doctors complaining of stomach cramps.
She gets sent off for some test and comes back a week later.
"Well, I hope you're ready for endless sleepless nights of
crying and changing dirty nappies!" the doc says.
"Wow, you mean I'm pregnant?" the woman replies thrilled.
"No, you've got bowel cancer."
"Don't take life too serious. It ain't no ways permanent."
-- Pogo, by Walt Kelly

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