Joke Thread

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Post by Big Boy » 09 Nov 2008 16:22

Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home.

Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table.

Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him. 'Herman, you know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!'

She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said, 'Herman, remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!'

Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said, 'Herman, that diamond ring you promised me? Bought it too, with the insurance money!'

Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, She said, 'Herman, remember that bl :shock: wj :shock: b I promised you?

Here it comes!

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Post by Big Boy » 09 Nov 2008 20:56

There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.'

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery.

The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.

The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it again?'

He asks her 'Shall we?'

She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you sh*t on its head.'

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Post by Big Boy » 11 Nov 2008 02:04

Life in the Australian Army...

Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. (For Those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a smalltown, west of Quilpie in the far South West of Queensland )



Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope you are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of piss!! You don't even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.

Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.

Your loving daughter,

Sheila

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Post by Big Boy » 16 Nov 2008 07:44

A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo.

She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps. He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt.

As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla. Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy.

He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and 2 feet he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand. He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink Dress.

The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny. He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She did... And the gorilla was about to tear the bars down.

'Now... Show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him,' he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he started doing flips.

Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut.



'Now. Tell him you have a headache.'

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Post by Big Boy » 16 Nov 2008 15:53

BIRTHDAY REMINDER

This week we celebrate a special birthday!

Monica Lewinsky turns 34.

Can you believe it? It seems like only yesterday she was crawling around the White House on her hands and knees, and putting everything in her mouth.

They grow up so fast, don't they?

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Post by Big Boy » 22 Nov 2008 21:48

Q:
How many women with MENOPAUSE does it take to change a light bulb?

Woman'sAnswer:

One!

ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don't even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out. And,once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the #&%!* lightbulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CABINET for the past 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find them, 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE FREAKING LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO ONE EVER PICKS UP OR CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!!

IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS PLACE! AND DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON WHO CHANGES THE TOILET PAPER ROLL !

I'm sorry.... What was the question?

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Post by Big Boy » 22 Nov 2008 21:52


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Post by Big Boy » 22 Nov 2008 21:59

Dear Friends,

Just before the end of the year I wanted to thank you for the e-mails you have forwarded over the year.

I must send a special big thank you to whoever sent me the one about rat shit in the glue on envelopes, because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing. Also, I now have to wipe the top of every can I open for the same reason. I no longer have any savings because I gave it all to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

But that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft are sending me for participating in their special e-mail programs. Or from the senior bank clerk in Nigeria who wants me to split seven million dollars with me for pretending to be a long lost relative of a customer who died intestate.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me. I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward emails to seven friends and make a wish within five minutes.

I no longer drink Coca-Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy petrol without taking a friend along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

I no longer go to shopping centres because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number and then I'll get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda,Singapore and Uzbekistan.

I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my bum. I can't even pick up the £5.00 I found dropped in the car park because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

If you don't send this email to at least 144,000 people in the next 70minutes, a large dove with diarrhoea will sit on your head at 5:00pm this afternoon and fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbour's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.

By the way.....a South American scientist after a lengthy study has discovered that people with low IQ who don't have enough sex, always read their emails while holding the mouse. Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

Kind regards and happy New Year (I'm getting in early)

Graham

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Post by guess » 23 Nov 2008 15:11

The 27 Top Things You Wish You Could Say At Work

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.
2. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a smeg.
3. How about "never"? Is "never" good for you?
4. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're
saying.
5. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself
in public.
6. Ahhh, I see the smeg-up fairy has visited us again.
7. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
8. I'm already visualising the duct tape over your mouth.
9. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an
artist.
10. Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change
the subject.
11. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about
you.
12. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to
pronounce.
13. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely
coincidental.
14. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
15. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
16. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
17. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique
point of view.
18. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
19. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely
ceremonial.
20. No, my powers can only be used for good.
21. I'm really easy to get along with once people learn to worship
me.
22. You sound reasonable......time to up my medication.
23. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
24. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
25. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
26. Who me? I just wander from room to room.
27. My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!

And now Useful Expressions for those HIGH STRESS days

1. Well, aren't we just a ray of smegging sunshine?
2. Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we?
3. Do I look like a smegging people person?
4. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
5. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
6. You! Off my planet!!
7. Practice random acts of intelligence & senseless acts of
Self-control.
8. I like cats too. Let's exchange recipes.
9. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
10. And your cry-baby whiny-arsed opinion would be...?
11. How many times do I have to flush before you go away?
12. Aw, did I step on your poor little bitty ego ?
13. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
14. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
15. When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you.
16. Earth is full, Go home.

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Post by Big Boy » 26 Nov 2008 02:15

While she was 'flying' down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.

The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, 'What's your hurry?'

To which she replied, 'I'm late for work.'

'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?'

I'm a rectum stretcher,' she responded.

The cop stammered, 'A what?............

A rectum stretcher?

And just what does a rectum stretcher do?'

'Well,' she said, 'I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide.'

'And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?' he asked.

'You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge...'

Traffic Ticket £ 80.00
Court Costs £ 45.00
Look on the Cop's Face..... PRICELESS

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Post by Big Boy » 30 Nov 2008 04:36

WHY WE LOVE CHILDREN

1. NUDITY: I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'

2. OPINIONS: On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.'

3. KETCHUP: A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle.'

4. MORE NUDITY: A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'

5. POLICE #1: While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop?' 'Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report. 'My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'

6. POLICE #2: It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked. 'It sure is,' I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'

7. ELDERLY: While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'

8. DRESS-UP: A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.' 'And why not, darling?' 'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'

9. DEATH: While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: 'Glory be unto the Father, and unto the Son, and into the hole he goes.' (I want this line used at my funeral!)

10. SCHOOL: A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!'

11. BIBLE: A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. 'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out. 'What have you got there, dear?' With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear!

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Post by Big Boy » 30 Nov 2008 04:38

THE PARROT

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious, and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music, and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up, and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot, and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird, and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes, the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arm and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions, and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior." John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.

As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

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Post by Big Boy » 30 Nov 2008 04:43

A recent Scottish immigrant attends his first baseball game in his new country, and after a base hit he hears the fans roaring, "Run....run!"

The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent, "R-r-run, r-run will ya!"

A third batter slams a hit and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screams, "R-r-run ya , r-r-run will ya!"

The next batter holds his swing at three and two and as the ump calls a walk. The Scotsman stands up yelling: "R-r-run ya , r-r-run!"

All the surrounding fans chuckle quietly and he sits down confused. A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment whispers, "He doesn't have to run, he got four balls."

The Scotsman yells even louder, "Walk with pr-r-ride man! Walk with pr-r-ride!"

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Post by Big Boy » 02 Dec 2008 13:38

Updates to English Dictionary

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up oneself emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing cricket without a box.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing by product of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

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Post by Big Boy » 02 Dec 2008 13:40

Just to be Even Handed

He said . ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said . .....Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

She said...What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
He said . . . A widow.

He said . .. . Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said . . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

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